Unhinged: Naruto Drabbles
by Author of Doom Rin
Summary: Drabbles and notcounting!drabbles all here, with focus on Obito, Tobi, the Obitobi theory, Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto, and pairings of: ObixKakaxTobi, KakaIru, and NaruSaku! Naruto & the Holy Grail here also. drabbles from K to M.
1. Landmark One

I've read Naruto almost religiously for quite a while now. But I couldn't write it, because I knew that I just didn't know the characters well enough to do it right. I read the Kakashi Gaiden arc, thought Obito was cute and all, But I'd always focused on Mr. Aren't-I-Cool-You-Can-Barely-See-My-Face-At-All. But when Tobi popped up, I fell in love with him right away. So like any other rabid fangirl, I trolled the Net for anything on him, came across the "Tobi is really Obito" theory, and fell in love with that one too. So yay! I'm writing Naruto now!

Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.

A/n: To understand what's going on here, I'm writing under the belief that when Obito got squished, he didn't die, got fixed up by Orochimaru with jutsus and machinery, lost hold of his memories due to trauma, and is now in Akatsuki as Tobi. Yeah..

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Landmark One 

Tobi's first memory is bleached anesthetic stench over the smell of rot, and of tubes everywhere, connected to machines and IV bags.

He heard someone talking about things he doesn't understand, something about Uchiha finally obtainable, and lots of complicated details for forbidden switching jutsus. And quickly deduced that this wasn't a good place to be.

He's still doesn't remember how he got out of there, only that he smacked into doorframes a few times because his depth perception is pretty much shot. It was only afterwards that Tobi wondered why he could move, but he decided it didn't really matter.

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Snuggles Tobi Poor poor Uchiha angsty-ness! Even Obito can't escape! Bahahaha

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Read and Review Please! And if you _must_ flame me, please offer polite criticism, and explain what I can improve in polite, civil language. After all, we're all people here. All violators of this reviewing policy will be vaporized in my BLENDER OF DOOM.

………Thank you.


	2. Half Voice

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT.

Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.

A/n: I'm trying to do some light-hearted ones. Didn't succeed with this one. Mlegh.

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Half-Voice

Tobi has never been completely right. He's aware of this, understands that he was someone else but still himself for the first dozen years or so of his life.

There's a half-voice that whispers into his bad ear, childish and just like him, laughing, joking, grumbling about stupid teammates. Tobi knows that half-voice is the Other, the kid he was Before. Before a mountain crashed down, taking his leg and a whole bunch of his right side.

Tobi's not quite sure why his left eye is gone. He thinks there's something important about that, but he can't quite remember why.

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I think that was a little better.


	3. Weirdo

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT.

Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.

A/n: I'm trying to do some light-hearted ones. Hope I did this one right!

BEHOLD! My double and a half drabble!

I.E. Word count is 250.

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Weirdo

Everyone in Akatsuki is strong, and somewhat insane. Deidara knows this. What he can't figure out, however, is where Tobi fits into everything.

After all, he's more senile than psycho, and Deidara is sure he was dropped on his head in infancy.

Why is a weakling like that in Akatsuki?

It's midway through a fight with many pesky shinobi, his partner yells

"Time-Out!"

Remarkably, everyone freezes. He pulls down his collar, and unbuckles something. The back of his neck is very pale, Deidara notes, as Tobi tilts his mask up, and something round drops out.

A weapon perhaps, he can't think of anything else. But then Tobi slips the thing into his pocket, laughs with a hand behind his head in that aggravating way that makes Deidara want to strangle the idiot.

"Ahaha, sorry! My eye fell out."

What. The. Fuck?

The enemies gape at him incredulously, and they're taken out a second later as Tobi toasts them to a crisp with a fire jutsu.

"Wasn't I awesome, Deidara-sempai?" He exclaims, when the last one stops twitching, "And the distraction worked! …Although I really didn't mean for it to fall out…"

Tobi fishes the thing out, examining it. Deidara looks, and realizes it's a glass eye, electric blue.

"Awww maaaan," He whines, shoulders drooping, "It's chipped! Now I'll hafta get a new one… Maybe I should get an orange one this time…"

Why is a weakling like Tobi in Akatsuki, he'd wondered. Deidara decides that he doesn't want to know.

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A/n. I think I need to explain the whole 'fake eye' thing. Again, this entire series of drabbles is based entirely on my firm belief that (after much examination of the manga) that weird new guy Tobi is Obito.

I think that Tobi would have a glass eye because he can't go around wearing the mask ALL the time, and despite the fact that he's probably horrifically scarred (having a boulder dropped on you can do that), having two eyes would help others to relate to him. And, being Tobi/Obito, I'm pretty sure he'd pick a weird color for his eye. And, yeah, shameless reference to Harry Potter in there somewhere.


	4. Self Image

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT.

Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.

A/n: more angst. ANGST I say!

Word count is 100.

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Self Image

There are many advantages to a wearing mask, Tobi thinks, especially in his line of work. He's never been good at hiding his emotions, and the mask lends him a mysterious aura. People still stare, but they don't look at him with that pitying disgust he hates. Sometimes, he wants to scream at them, yell, what the hell do you think happens when you're caught in a cave-in, stop looking at me I can still kick all your asses. But then again, he's Tobi – local idiot of Akatsuki. And Tobi of Akatsuki doesn't care what other people think of him.

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A/n. Just a thought. I don't think Tobi is really that happy, hence the angst. Anyone who acts like that in front of others all the time has to have something wrong with them. Tobi just has it worse than some of the other screwed-up people. Add in the Obito factor; no memory, and gettin' squished by a boulder; and you have many opportunites for yummy angst. Tralala.


	5. That Big Stone

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT. But then Kakashi opened his big fat covered-up mouth.

Disclaimer: Sue me, and all you'll get is a half-empty pint of ice cream. And I licked it. So go right ahead.

This was supposed to be a tidy little 100 word drabble. I didn't really want to focus on Kakashi. But noooooo, the jerk had to go on and on until I just stopped with the word limit and typed until he shut up. And there's barely anything in this about Tobi, although there's plenty on dead-but-not-really!Obito and Kakashi being a weirdass. XD.

I stuck it up anyway. And this is probably going to just turn into a Naruto-drabble semi-continuous thingy because the more I read, the more characters show up that just won't Shut Up. So please feed the author so she can cram the pesky shinobi into neat little drabbles and be done with them?

Word count: 811.

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That Big Stone

Kakashi has visited the Memorial Stone every morning for more than fifteen years now. Nothing short of ICU care or really good sedatives can keep him away, and it pisses the nurses off like nothing else.

It's just part of who he is. Was. Whatever.

Habit is a good thing, something consistent to hold onto in a world of death and change. Obito's name is always on the memorial stone, just like Naruto will always worship ramen, Sakura will never keep a cap on her temper (Her tantrums are actually quite frightening, now that Tsunade's trained her), and Obito's eye always cries when the winter weather is hot and parched.

He says more to Obito than he does to anyone else, and that probably qualifies him for Konoha's Most Insane competition, but insanity is practically a requirement for Jounins, so it doesn't really matter.

Some people have journals. He knows Sakura has one and writes in it every three days, and that Naruto tells every single thing to Umino Iruka over endless bowls of ramen.

Kakashi has Obito. His best friend can't see the future, because the Sharingan eye is rarely uncovered, so Kakashi does his best to fill him in on the future anyway. Knowing instead of seeing. It's almost as good, he thinks, almost.

Kakashi likes to think Obito can hear him. Likes to think there's more left of Obito than just wet tissue and optic nerves. That those words weren't just a pretty speech before Obito's head was squashed like an egg. (Kakashi cringes inside at the thought, but the image is in his head now for good and really, he doesn't need to add more shit onto the pile he already has. Stupid Jounin.)

When he can't think of things to say, the Jounin reads him passages of the latest Icha Icha. Obito might appreciate it, but judging on how the boy shrieked at Jiraiya whenever the old fart was peeking, Kakashi doubts it.

He reads his porn to Obito anyway, just to piss him off. He used to join him at the training field, ignore the Uchiha and his struggles, and chuck kunai at a target without looking, one after another, bull's-eye after bull's-eye, until Obito yelled at him, called him an arrogant bastard, and stomped away. But since that won't work anymore, he'll keep on corrupting Obito's fifteen year-old censor-happy ghost.

Jiraiya's writing has really improved over the years, and if there was just a little less sex Icha Icha could probably be considered a romance or adventure novel. Not that he's complaining or anything. Romance just doesn't have the same impact as porn.

He's getting to a rather juicy bit and voices the girl's part in squeaky tones that would have Naruto (and probably Sakura) in shrieking, disapproving hysterics, when he realizes that he isn't two hours late (as usual), but _five_, which simply isn't acceptable.

So with a quick promise to finish the chapter later, and a lazy goodbye, he saunters off to the red bridge where Sakura and Naruto have probably waited for two and a half hours. When he gets there, he's rather pleased to see that his two former students have started training without him.

After some exciting hours of training where Naruto and Sakura designate him as the target for their Jutsus-of-Death and major bodily damage, Kakashi informs them that he was educating a large family of boulders. The best lies--excuses, after all, are part truth. His students don't buy it, such adorable little demons. He gives them a lecture full of metaphors, plausible references, and not much beneath but bullshit. Then he gives in and buys them all ramen.

Two weeks later he's woken to an urgent summons, and after dressing he rather grumpily poofs into the ANBU Holding Cells. Kakashi doesn't bother acting the buffoon, because he's tired and hungry, and he should be at the Memorial Stone now, damn it.

Then he looks into the cell they're guarding so anxiously, and mismatched eyes blink at him from a lopsided, horrifically scarred face. This is why they dragged him out of bed at six AM, and Tsunade is explaining, asking him to confirm this person's identity.

There's enough wary intelligence in black and glassy orange eyes that he's sure that the dead are still buried. Obito looked a lot stupider when frustrated, besides.

And then the bastard opens his mouth and blurts out something completely inane that Kakashi doesn't quite pay attention to, and the man squints his eyes with a pout that twists his scars in painful-looking ways.

Kakashi's not sure what to make of it, beyond that the man's an idiot and Akatsuki has definitely lowered its standards. Or that his best friend is alive and he's wasted five thousand five hundred and thirty-seven mornings talking to a big stone with names on it.

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The reason for the lack of updates is because my hard drive on my laptop just DIED. Totally died, and I had to get a new one and lost all of my data. Including seven shiny new drabbles, dozens of fragments, and some pretty good smut scenes. The biggest pain is that I really really really want to include some of those lost drabbles in this fic. Boohoohoo.

I'm not quite sure whether or not to be happy with this one, because the ending isn't very clear -- i.e. happy/not-happy

There will be a CONTEST. Because I'm too lazy to come up with it myself, I'm begging all you guys to come up with the stupid thing Tobi said towards the end. (Begs on bended knee) I'll pick the best one and use it in the next drabble, which is this from Tobi's POV and the events thereafter.

Tralalala.


	6. I Feel Happy Python Flavoured

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT. And I want Obito Kakashi plushies.

Disclaimer: Sue me, and all you'll get is a half-empty pint of ice cream. And I licked it. So go right ahead.

I'm not sure if anyone has ever crossed Naruto with Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, but I simply had to do it. I saw Spamalot last weekend, and ever since, I've had Obito in my head, saying 'I'm not dead!' and 'I don't want to go on the cart!' (best line. EVER.) I think it's quite fitting, actually. And I'm quite pleased with this. (Pounds fists on chest like Tarzan.)

Word count: 595.

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I Feel Happy…

Everything was hazy, and Obito couldn't see clearly. There was a sensation of disorientation, combined with a slow, rocking side-to-side movement. So sleepy…

Clang. Clang.

"Bring out yer dead!" A strangely accented voice called out, followed by more clanging.

The shoulder he was slung over jostled hard, and Obito winced as it bumped his shattered arm.

"Here's one." A bored voice said in his ear.

"Ah, that's ninepence." The foreign voice replied pleasantly through the fog, and Obito almost drifted off as he swayed closer to the source of the clanging. He was really, really tired, but somehow he got the feeling that falling asleep here was a very bad idea.

"Here you are." The strong shoulder moved _again_, but he couldn't bring up the voice to complain.

"That's a right sorry sack of meat you've got there, mate." There was a sigh under him, and he thought hands were on his back, steadying him.

"He's an absolute wreck, but I'll miss him." The familiar voice admitted, and he whimpered as they lurched to a stop.

"W—wait," He gasped, "I'm not dead!"

"What?" Queried the foreign man.

"Nothing. Here's your ninepence."

"'Ere, he says he's not dead!"

"Yes he is." The bored voice drawled.

"Ka-kakashi… bastard!" He banged his left fist into his teammate's side. "I'm not dead!"

"He isn't?" This was insanity. Obito thrashed on Kakashi's shoulder, but his right side was mostly numb and his head _hurt_.

"Well, he will be soon. He's very ill." Couldn't argue with the last bit, but he wasn't hurt _that_ bad!

"I'll get better!" Rin was good at that sort of stuff, she'd fix him.

"You won't." Kakashi assured him, "You'll be stone dead in a moment."

"I can't take him like that, it's against regulations." The other man protested, and Obito took the chance to yelp;

"I don't want to go on the cart!"

"Oh, don't be such a crybaby!" Kakashi snapped with disdain.

"I can't take him." The cart master repeated, over the Uchiha's cries of

"I feel fine!"

"Well, do us all a favor. You do owe our Sensei."

"I can't." The man was adamant, and the Hatake gave a soft, exasperated huff.

"Can't you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long."

"Some friend you are," Obito grumbled into the back of Kakashi's shirt.

"No, I've got to go on to the Uchihas, they've lost 49 today."

"Well," His friend's voice was resigned, "When's your next round?"

"Thursday."

"Put – put me down, I'm fine!" Obito jerked against his best friend, muscles twitching spasmodically. He could remember Kakashi being this tall. Kakashi was two years younger than him, and though they were of a height, he was far too slender to carry him on his shoulder…

"You not fooling anyone, you know." Kakashi informed him dourly, "Look. Isn't there something you can do? This complicates things and I've got a baron to assassinate in Grass Country. Just make it quick and painless."

"I feel… happy, I feel happy…" A hysterical song burbled off his lips, and that wasn't him singing!

Whock.

Fireworks exploded in the back of his skull, and he thought he heard Kakashi and Rin scream his name, and…

Tobi woke up in a cold sweat. He caught his breath, slipped off the top bunk and made his way through the underlings' quarters to get a glass of water.

"Geez," He muttered, "I'm never watching British comedy with Zetsu-san again!"

…Somewhere, in Fire Country, Kakashi awoke from a rather scarring dream involving Gai, and coconuts. The Sharingan eye hurt.

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There wasn't space to put in the Naruto who says NI, Taunting French Knight Sasuke, or Genma and Raidou as the two guards who discuss coconuts and swallows, but they deserve recognition nonetheless.

Tralala.


	7. Naruto of 'Ni' Python Flavoured

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT. And I want Obito Kakashi plushies.

Disclaimer: Happily defying copyright lines since 2002.

Yet another Python/Grail-flavoured rant. It's pretty accurate (seeing as I was constantly referring to the script...), so no whining! (whack) Still working on the Obito POV bit for "that big stone", but this leapt into my lap and refused to get off. I did my best to resist, but I suspect coconut guards Genma and Raidou, as well as a Taunting French Sasuke are waiting patiently for the most opportune moment to strike. So beware!

Everyone who reviews will recieve...a shrubbery. Flamers on the other hand, will be sent an evil rabbit.

Word count: 586.

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Naruto Who Says 'Ni'!

Bold music sang in King Orochimaru's head as he pranced nobly across his vast kingdom on his Quest for the Holy Grail. Kabuto kept pace, steadily clopping behind. He was pleased to see that the sparse woodland grew to dense, shady forest as they traveled onward. His beautifully fair and delicate skin burned easily, and Kings could not allow themselves to get and unsightly sunburn. It simply wasn't done.

"Nii!!!" A high, chilling demonic voice shrieked as they entered a dark clearing.

"Arrgh!" The brave journeyers cringed in pain.

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" The cry came again, seeming to echo from everywhere.

"Who are you?!" Kabuto shouted, and the clearing went quiet.

Nine demons stepped out of the gloom, surrounding our heroes, menacing and leering. The demons were identical, clad in orange garments the colour of hell's fire.

"We are the Naruto Who Says 'NI'!" The leader proclaimed, his dominant status apparent in the rapid head-bobbing and "Hell yeah!"s from the others.

"No!" Orochimaru gasped, "Not the Naruto Who Says 'Ni'!"

"The same." The leader Naruto nodded. "We are the keepers of the sacred words 'Ni', 'Nihihi', and 'Guuuuoghh!'."

"Nihihihi!" One of the bunshin Naruto cackled helpfully.

"Beware!" King Orochimaru hissed to his apprentice, "Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!"

"The Naruto Who Says 'Ni' demands a sacrifice." The evil demon announced loudly.

"O Naruto Who Says 'Ni', we are but simple travelers who seek the Sage who lives beyond these woods." Kabuto pleaded cunningly, only to be foiled by the Naruto's loathsome shrieks of "Ni!" The raucous call persisted until the courageous duo were suitably cowed.

"We shall say 'Ni' again to you weirdoes if you do not appease us!"

"What is it that you want?" Orochimaru trembled.

"We want--!" The Boss Naruto's boisterous voice trailed off thoughtfully, and the bunshin began a sort-of-quiet and most exhuberant debate amongst themselves, swiftly coming to an accord. "50 bowls of Miso Ramen!"

"What?!" Kabuto queried incredulously, and was faced with nine glowered Narutos.

"NI! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!" The orange demons screeched, and Kabuto's glasses shattered. "You must bring us our ramen, or else, you will never pass through this wood… alive."

"Please! O Naruto Who Says 'Ni', you are just and fair, and we will return with your ramen" Bold King Orochimaru promised, and the creatures scowled and crossed their arms as one.

"And none of the instant cup!" The Naruto Leader demanded.

"Yes, of course!" Orochimaru agreed.

"Now go!" Naruto grinned toothily at him, and the heroic king and his brilliant apprentice fled from the terrifying fanged smile.

When the demon felt the intruders were suitably distant, his eight followers vanished in a puff of smoke, no doubt off to carry out their leader's ill will throughout the land.

Naruto cackled, and rubbed his hands with glee.

"Man oh man, there's going to be enough even for Chouji." Indeed, he was holding a large party with his friends for his achieving Hokage status in the dark and hidden village of the forest-dwelling wodewose, and had, for a time been worried on how he might supply decent food.

And so, detoured on their honourable quest, Kabuto and Orochimaru travelled the length of Celtic England searching for the elusive Miso Ramen.

Never knowing that if they had departed slightly south from the Naruto Who Says 'Ni', they would have soon stumbled upon the Village Hidden in the Shrubberies, where there was a most reputable stand for the rare meal.

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I had SO much trouble figuring out who should be King Arthur. I totally wanted it to be Kakashi or Jiraiya... but there was the Patsy problem, servant thing and all. I also figured I may as well keep the cast the same for all the Grail-flavoured bits. And I must admit, I was heavily influenced by Canalicula's pic of Orochimaru prancing around, and Kabuto behind him with coconuts. Here's the link, if you want to see it: http: (slash slash) www (dot) deviantart (dot) com (slash) deviation (slash) 9760122 (slash). just remove the spaces and change the symbols.

Tralala.


	8. Teething

Tobi is like, the SHIZNIT. And I want ObitobixKakashi plushies.

Disclaimer: Happily defying copyright lines since 2002.

Yes, ANOTHER !notcount!drabble. It's _kinda_ close to a 500-er… Coulda written 30 more words… but ah'm far too LAZY.

I made up the little wives' tale about teeting, but it might exist in real life… hmm… who knows. (shrug)

Everyone who reviews will receive...a shrubbery. Flamers on the other hand, will be sent a slobbery, empty bottle from the 1-yr kiddo old next door.

Word count: 470.

Rating: K+, for using the word 'sex' and for making a teeny reference to KakaIru, which apparently offends some fine people's sensibilities. So yeah, you were warned. You can still barrel on. There's like three sentences with KakaIru in it. The rest is KakaIru-less.

…And all opinions can be labeled as Kakashi's, and not mine, so go yell at him. I think he's a lil' OOC, but hey, Kakashi runs away from me, screaming, whenever I try to talk to him. This is what I pried out of him. Who knows when I'll see him again. (weeps)

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Teething

Ninja folklore says that what a child teethes on is an indicator of their future.

Now, Kakashi doesn't hold much faith in wives' tales like that, but there does seem to be some truth in this one, at least.

His father gummed on all the backs and tails of his grandfather's dog summons.

(This may be the reason why everyone is so amazed at the greater loyalty and skill of Kakashi's dogs. He's fairly sure the dogs did not appreciate being covered in drool.)

Kurenai chewed on her kitten. Kakashi wisely kept the sex-kitten joke to himself. Asuma did not.

Yondaime, apparently chewed on his feet. Kakashi doesn't want to ruminate much on how he managed that, but it might explain the crazy flexibility his sensei rarely displayed.

Gai gummed on a ginseng packet, and his father wept, knowing he'd be a chip off the ol' Maito block.

During Itachi's ANBU hazing, it was discovered that Uchiha Itachi teethed on a sharp, ugly plastic shark figurine, and that Sasuke left drool on a weasel plushie.

During the same hazing, Asuma, already an initiate, also claimed to have gnawed on cigarette butts, but no one took it seriously.

As for Jiraiya… Kakashi can only suppose he was breast-fed a little too long.

Tsunade gnawed on her fists until they bled.

Orochimaru… no one wants to think of Orochimaru in the teething stage.

Rin chewed on her mother's apron. A sign of her future med-nin apron? Or just her nurturing nature?

Obito was particularly fond of rocks.

Sakura eased her teething pains on what she claims is the ugliest doll in existence. It was an orange fish.

Iruka gummed on all of his father's most important earth jutsu scrolls. (Iruka had turned an intriguing shade of puce when Kakashi had asked him why one of his old scrolls had weird water-stains all over it.) Kakashi has no idea what that signifies, but Iruka has a trapped expression every time he sees a river or lake.

As for Kakashi himself, he'd chewed on any sharp or pointy object he could get his paws on. It would have been bad enough in a civilian family, but a widower ninja like his father couldn't be bothered to pick up all his kunai, the slob. It was a habit that he quickly dropped, after a frantic trip to the hospital when Kakashi had found the White Fang's chakra blade lying near the front door. Once his mouth had healed, he'd bawled until his father gave him a shuriken-shaped teething toy.

He didn't realize he still had scars from that little incident until Iruka commented on the strange ridges on his top gum and palette.

No one knows what Naruto gummed on. And he doesn't care much either. After all, he knows what's in his future.

Hokage.

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ginseng is used for energy. I thought it was appropriate. It's particularly tasty in tea with honey.

Tralala.


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